Small Tragedies
Life is very emotional for a two year old. The most simple statement of fact (e.g. there are no more blueberries) can turn on the waterworks. Sometimes I know deep down they are manipulative: a test of my honesty, my strength, my resolve. Other times her little eyes are so wide with -- crazed! -- desperation I know that whatever minor tragedy has currently befallen her (e.g. the two Legos will not come apart) is truly, to her core, unbearable.
My own tears have flown more freely than I ever liked -- even as an adult there have been times I couldn't hold them back even in really inappropriate moments (e.g. with my boss). With the children, it is tempting to totally dismiss their tears. Nothing is really all that wrong. But while that is the truth, it is also the truth that they feel something is horribly wrong.
I remember the first time I went with my mom to buy make-up. I think all we were getting was some concealer or maybe pressed powder. One would think it was a happy, "grown-up" occasion for a young teen. I was miserable. Presented with the first decision (something like "This shade or that one?"), I broke down in tears. I'm sure my mother was taken aback and exasperated, the two of us standing in Wal-Mart with the usual flow of people around us. But to me, buying this make-up was admitting that I wasn't pretty enough on my own. That I was entering a world of masks, of standing on my head to impress people who actually didn't care all that much about me. But I wanted to do this -- and that was maybe the most upsetting.
I'm not knowledgeable enough about children, psychology, or even spiritual matters to really know when we should engage these emotions, when we should work through them, or if we should ignore them entirely. It does seem to me, however, that acknowledging truth is always a good thing. And so when it is two Legos that refuse to let go of one another: "I know you're really frustrated about this, Stefanie, but if you ask me for help, I bet we can figure it out!" I was so grateful for my boss acknowledging my discomfort (read: flowing tears) about a situation when I worked at the high school, but continuing the meeting with fairness and honesty.
In the end, I am glad for our tears, because they are an obvious sign to the outside world about what is going on on the inside. And in my book, knowing the truth is always better than not.
Absolutely beautiful! Thank you for writing out the exact thoughts that I go through almost every day. I always struggle with when to validate my kids' emotions and when to encourage them to "just pull it together." I think there is a place for both approaches, but figuring out which to use when is the hardest! My latest tactic with 8yo when the sighing and whining (and even sometimes tears) begin is to say, "Let's stop the noises. Just calm down and talk to me about what's wrong." It doesn't always work well, but often it does. And I'm hoping I'm building a bridge for how we will communicate during his adolescence. Hoping . . . God knows . . .
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